The Bizarre World of Florida

Are You Ballsy Enough To Enter A Testicle Beauty Contest? (NSFW) November 27, 2015

If you’ve ever thought your balls look so good they should be immortalized, Brian Sloan has a proposition for you.

5653201c2100004a005ab687The sex toy entrepreneur behind The World’s Most Beautiful Vagina contest wants to prove he doesn’t discriminate among the genders with his beautiful balls contest.

“People always ask me, ‘How about men? Are you going to have a penis contest next?’ And I’ve told them, ‘F*** no. I’m having a balls contest,” he says in a promo video announcing the competition.

People who are gung-ho about being hung-low can join him in “celebrating scrotal beauty and diversity” by uploading photos of their balls to <ballscontest.com.

“The penis receives most of the attention when it comes to male genitalia and I thought a contest about the penis would be too predictable,”. “The scrotum, in many cases, comprises the bulk of the volume of the male genitals yet it is rarely discussed. Beauty standards for it are unknown.”

So don’t even think about sending a dick pic, perv. This is a balls contest, so leave the shaft photos for your Tinder matches.

Sloan decided against accepting images of the whole frank-and-beans combo after compiling the data from his vagina photo contest in a document called The Vulva Paper.

The analysis showed that the vaginas of women in “doggy style” positions were generally ranked higher. He determined this was due to the sexual nature of those photos. He thought having a shaft in the image could create the same effect, according to Maxim.

As for judging, the public will get to score each scrotum from one to ten stars, but nobody really has set definitive scrotal standards.

“I think larger looks better than smaller and a fuller bag looks nicer than an empty bag, meaning not only should the scrotum be large, but its volume should be mostly filled by the testicles. Additionally, the bag should have a good degree of dangle. When it comes to wrinkles, I prefer a smoother look, and hair-wise, some hair is ok as long as it does not totally obscure the view,”.

He also suggested good photo composition and lighting can improve a person’s odds of winning.

The person judged to have the best balls gets a cash prize, and Sloan will meet that person to take a 3-D scan of the boys, which he then plans to turn into items like paperweights, doorstops and bookends.

The name of this competition, the Autoblow Beautiful Balls Contest, is a nod to Sloan’s sex toy company. Autoblow sells motorized blow job simulation toys for men.

For the World’s Most Beautiful Vagina Contest, Sloan was seeking a vagina from which to mold his company’s newest sex toy. However, for this particular contest, Sloan will limit the replicas to novelty items, as he doesn’t think there will be much of a demand, Maxim reports.

The top prize is $5,000, with $3,000 for second place and $2,000 for third place.

As of the time of posting this piece, the contest had about 150 entrants, though only 124 of them had the requisite 200 votes to appear on the leaderboard.

Voting continues until December 25, which is also Christmas Day, which gives you plenty of time to select your favorite set of jingle balls.


Stupid Theives Tried to Steal a Dump Truck …. Problem? They Couldn’t Drive It! May 12, 2015

Filed under: Bizarre Florida,Stupid,Thief,WTF? — floridaduh @ 9:05 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

A plot to steal a dump truck in Lake Worth stalled out after the two suspected thieves realized they couldn’t drive the vehicle..

fl-lake-worth-dump-truck-brief-20150507-001The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office was called out to a home in the 2200 block of Park Street in Lake Worth just before 10 p.m. on Wednesday. Two men that lived at the house said Moya Cardenas and an unidentified man tried to steal their dump truck.

They were alerted to the theft after they heard the dump truck “rumble past” the house, according to the arrest report. The dump truck was stored at a storage facility about 1/3 of a mile north of the house.

Moya Cardenas and the man made it about 100 feet past the house before the dump truck stalled out. The men were able to grab Moya Cardenas and hold him down while the other man in the truck managed to escape with the CB radio system, deputies said.

Moya Cardenas is charged with “grand theft dump truck,” according to the arrest report, as well as burglary.

He is being held at the Palm Beach County Jail on $10,000 bail.


Knife-wielding man tries to get imaginary girlfriend from garbage truck May 8, 2015

A 75-year-old man was arrested on aggravated assault and cocaine possession Monday after being accused of threatening a garbage truck operator with a knife and trying to retrieve an imaginary girlfriend.

trashAt about 8:30 a.m., a WCA Waste Corporation truck was making rounds in the Linton Oaks apartment complex when a man armed with a kitchen knife stood in front of the vehicle and ordered its driver to get out. The knife-wielding man, identified by sheriff’s deputies as Walter Welch, also told the driver he believed his girlfriend was in the truck and tried to climb inside the cab, according to a jail booking report.

The driver ignored Welch’s orders and went on his way. Welch returned with a can of pepper spray and emptied its contents into an air intake on the vehicle, the report states.

The driver summoned the Alachua County Sheriff’s Office, and deputies went to Welch’s home. There they found what they believed was crack cocaine sitting on a coffee table, along with a bottle that had been modified to smoke the drug, the report states.

The garbage truck required $100 worth of cleaning due to the pepper spray.

Welch was arrested on charges of aggravated assault, property damage, burglary, possession of cocaine and possession of drug equipment. As of Tuesday morning, he remained in the Alachua County jail in lieu of a $55,000 bond.

Alachua County court records show Welch was arrested in March on suspicion of possession of cocaine. He also faced a drug possession charge in 2013, but successfully completed a pretrial intervention program.


A Spring breaker ran out of breaks as deputy ran out of patience April 27, 2015

A 19-year-old Illinois man is facing felony charges after a deputy caught him with a fake driver’s license and gave him a warning, only to catch him trying to break into a bar 20 minutes later.

chase-howell-berlinghofAn Okaloosa County Sheriff’s deputy working an approved off-duty security detail around 2:30 a.m. on April 11 noticed Chase Howell Berlinghof looking into vehicles in the parking lot of The Boardwalk, according to the arrest report. The deputy spoke with Berlinghof, “in an attempt to dispel the belief he was attempting to or about to commit a vehicle burglary.”

Berlinghof agreed to a search, which revealed a baggie with drug residue and a fake Colorado driver’s license in his pocket, the report said. Berlinghof allegedly said the bag had contained “Molly” and the license was made by a friend with a fake birth date so he could drink.

The deputy seized the items and told Berlinghof to leave The Boardwalk, according to the report. He learned later that Berlinghof had been kicked out of The Swamp earlier in the evening after security allegedly found him trying to ingest cocaine in the bathroom.

Around 20 minutes after the first encounter, security at The Swamp called the deputy because Berlinghof was at the rear entrance of the club, the report said. The deputy allegedly found Berlinghof walking around The Crab Trap, inside a closed off metal gate.

After being arrested, Berlinghof admitted he had jumped the fence to find alcohol, according to the report. He later allegedly admitted that the baggie in his pocket had contained cocaine and he’d used the fake ID to enter the club and get alcohol.

He is charged with fraud – unauthorized possession of a forged driver’s license, burglary and possession of drug paraphernalia.


Wife sent hubby a message by setting his clothes afire April 24, 2015

It’s all fun and games until the house catches on fire.

That’s what some might say following an apparent flaming feud that on April 15 sparked a law enforcement response and caused about $10,000 in damage.

MAILBRITT_CANTERBURYAnother man told police he was renting a bedroom there. He said his landlady fought with her husband before lighting his closet on fire and taking off on a bicycle.Port St. Lucie police went to an address in the 2300 block of Southeast Rock Springs Drive where firefighters were extinguishing a blaze, according to records. A 47-year-old man identified as the victim said he thought his wife, Maibritt Canterbury, 39, set the house on fire.

Police spoke to Canterbury at St. Lucie Medical Center. She said she tried to light some of the victim’s clothes on fire that were on the floor of his closet.

“She did this because of the ongoing back and forth of lighting each other’s property on fire over the last few days,” an affidavit states.

Records didn’t state whether Canterbury is a fan of “Burning Down the House,” a Talking Heads single from 1983, or of Def Leppard’s “Pyromania” album from the same year.

Canterbury said she used a lighter and noticed “a small flame but did not think the fire lit.” She left the room, not intending for the house to catch on fire.

It could be said that the victim fanned the flames by saying that over the past few days they’d been torching each other’s stuff in the backyard.

Asked whether he thought Canterbury meant to catch the house on fire, the victim said, “No, she was probably just trying to burn my stuff.”

A fire investigator determined the blaze started in the victim’s closet, and that there was about $10,000 in damages.

Police held Canterbury’s feet to the fire as they arrested her on an arson charge.


Sheriff’s deputy arrested for DUI April 23, 2015


An Orange County sheriff’s deputy was arrested on charges of driving under the influence, according to authorities.

Florida Highway Patrol said Deputy Gregory Popp was arrested early Sunday morning on State Road 528 near Dallas Boulevard driving home from a Jimmy Buffett concert in Tampa.

Troopers said Popp told them that he had been drinking since 10 a.m. at the concert, which was at 8 p.m. He told troopers that he was trying to get everyone home.

According to the report, Popp’s passenger had nothing to drink for several hours, and her blood-alcohol level was zero.

Popp has since been relieved of his law enforcement duties, credentials and firearms, pending an internal investigation.

Popp has been with the Orange County Sheriff’s Office since 2007 and was assigned to the Agricultural Marine Unit, the Sheriff’s Office said.

He was released from jail on Monday morning.


Synthetic-drug suspect head-butted police officer

An Orlando man suspected of consuming synthetic drugs is also accused of head-butting an Orlando police officer after defecating in a police interview room, authorities said.

os-robert-steven-ortiz-jr-20150420Robert Steven Ortiz Jr., remains in the Orange County Jail after his arrest Friday.

Ortiz was among a group of roughly 40 people who gathered at outside in the 40 block of North Magnolia Avenue after 5 p.m. Friday, police said.

Many were yelling and starting fights, so police began to clear out some of the participants.

Officer Mark Levy recognized one of them, Ortiz, from previous police encounters.

Ortiz appeared to be rolling a joint, the report said.

“Ortiz looked up at me and attempted to conceal the joint in his right hand. I reached for his right hand and ordered Ortiz to ‘stop,’ ” Levy’s report said. “I grasped his right wrist and Ortiz pulled his arm away from me and threw the joint on a grated vent in the sidewalk attempting to destroy it. Ortiz then attempted to get around me and walk east on Wall Street.”

Levy detected the odor of synthetic drugs, possibly the fake marijuana commonly known as “K2” or the synthetic drugs called bath salts.

He ordered Ortiz to stop and the suspect resisted.

“I directed Ortiz to the ground and ordered him to ‘stop resisting’ and ‘put your arms behind your back’ numerous times,” Levy wrote.

A short time later, he placed handcuffs on Ortiz.

But he “suddenly and unexpectedly pulled his arms over his head and in front of his body” and threw a plastic container containing suspected synthetic drugs into the street.

As officers restrained Ortiz, he threatened Levy, saying he was going to head-butt the officer.

Ortiz was arrested and brought to the downtown office for the bike patrol, where he urinated and defecated on the floor, a report said.

Then Ortiz fell and hit his head as he was being taken to the Orange County Jail, according to a report.

The fire department took to Ortiz a local hospital.

Hours later, as Levy was trying to put Ortiz into his vehicle at the hospital, “Ortiz suddenly and aggressively delivered a head butt to the right side temple,” Levy said in a report.

“Ortiz came at me trying to head butt me a second time,” his report said.

Hospital security officers helped Levy secure Ortiz in the vehicle.

Ortiz was charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting an officer with violence and resisting an officer without violence.

He was also charged with tampering with physical evidence and nuisances injurious to health.



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