The Bizarre World of Florida

Are You Ballsy Enough To Enter A Testicle Beauty Contest? (NSFW) November 27, 2015

If you’ve ever thought your balls look so good they should be immortalized, Brian Sloan has a proposition for you.

5653201c2100004a005ab687The sex toy entrepreneur behind The World’s Most Beautiful Vagina contest wants to prove he doesn’t discriminate among the genders with his beautiful balls contest.

“People always ask me, ‘How about men? Are you going to have a penis contest next?’ And I’ve told them, ‘F*** no. I’m having a balls contest,” he says in a promo video announcing the competition.

People who are gung-ho about being hung-low can join him in “celebrating scrotal beauty and diversity” by uploading photos of their balls to <ballscontest.com.

“The penis receives most of the attention when it comes to male genitalia and I thought a contest about the penis would be too predictable,”. “The scrotum, in many cases, comprises the bulk of the volume of the male genitals yet it is rarely discussed. Beauty standards for it are unknown.”

So don’t even think about sending a dick pic, perv. This is a balls contest, so leave the shaft photos for your Tinder matches.

Sloan decided against accepting images of the whole frank-and-beans combo after compiling the data from his vagina photo contest in a document called The Vulva Paper.

The analysis showed that the vaginas of women in “doggy style” positions were generally ranked higher. He determined this was due to the sexual nature of those photos. He thought having a shaft in the image could create the same effect, according to Maxim.

As for judging, the public will get to score each scrotum from one to ten stars, but nobody really has set definitive scrotal standards.

“I think larger looks better than smaller and a fuller bag looks nicer than an empty bag, meaning not only should the scrotum be large, but its volume should be mostly filled by the testicles. Additionally, the bag should have a good degree of dangle. When it comes to wrinkles, I prefer a smoother look, and hair-wise, some hair is ok as long as it does not totally obscure the view,”.

He also suggested good photo composition and lighting can improve a person’s odds of winning.

The person judged to have the best balls gets a cash prize, and Sloan will meet that person to take a 3-D scan of the boys, which he then plans to turn into items like paperweights, doorstops and bookends.

The name of this competition, the Autoblow Beautiful Balls Contest, is a nod to Sloan’s sex toy company. Autoblow sells motorized blow job simulation toys for men.

For the World’s Most Beautiful Vagina Contest, Sloan was seeking a vagina from which to mold his company’s newest sex toy. However, for this particular contest, Sloan will limit the replicas to novelty items, as he doesn’t think there will be much of a demand, Maxim reports.

The top prize is $5,000, with $3,000 for second place and $2,000 for third place.

As of the time of posting this piece, the contest had about 150 entrants, though only 124 of them had the requisite 200 votes to appear on the leaderboard.

Voting continues until December 25, which is also Christmas Day, which gives you plenty of time to select your favorite set of jingle balls.


Probationer Busted For Trying To Pass Off Gatorade As Urine During Court-Ordered Test March 31, 2015

A Florida woman tried to pass off a mixture of Gatorade and warm water as a urine sample during a recent meeting with her probation officer, according to police reports.

coulombeTabatha Coulombe, 29, was jailed last week in connection with her alleged scheme to game the urine test, which is part of the probation requirements stemming from her 2013 sentencing for felony animal cruelty.

In late-January, Coulombe met with her probation officer and provided a urine specimen. But due to “the abnormal color (blush)” and the “abnormal test result,” the officer questioned Coulombe about the sample’s source.

“Coulombe admitted that she did defraud the test and…removed a plastic pill bottle that was concealed in her vagina,” according to a Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office report. Coulombe’s probation officer subsequently “discovered that the submitted solution was a combination of Gatorade and hot water.”

While police records no not reveal the Gatorade flavor used by Coulombe, it appears likely that she opted for Lemon-Lime or Lemonade (as opposed to Orange, Fruit Punch, or Mango Xtremo).

Three weeks before her attempted Gatorade ruse, Coulombe, seen at left, failed a urine test (amphetamines were detected in a sample she provided).

Coulombe, a Wendy’s employee, is scheduled for an April 12 arraignment on the probation violation charge.


Bragging suspect brings down band of thieves

A Bonita Springs home was the focus of an investigation by the Lee County Sheriff’s Office Saturday.
The home is located on Cherry Drive — just north of Bonita Beach Road.  Deputies led three people out of the house in handcuffs and put them in the back of a squad car.
“This armored truck-like vehicle came rumbling in, and then out of the middle of nowhere more police vehicles came zooming in,” described one neighbor.  “They blew the doors off the house, and you heard all this hollering and screaming.”
“Not surprised at what goes on here.  This is not the first time.  One morning I heard gunshots,” said another neighbor.
A neighbor tells us since January she has called the sheriff’s office more than two dozen times about activity at the house.  Now, neighbors are wondering what’s happened inside the home to prompt the sudden presence.
During their investigation, detectives say $250,000 worth of gold coins were stolen, a dozen firearms, body armor, a safe and a Mercedes Benz. Detectives also say Myles Winzenried, identified as the ringleader, was bragging to his friends about how much cash he made selling the coins. He allegedly gave one of the weapons, a black AR 15 with flare launcher, to a friend.
Five in all were arrested, according to the sheriff’s office:

Myles Winzenried of 11080 Cherry Drive, Bonita Springs, charged with Grand Theft greater that $100,000; Armed Burglary of Unoccupied Dwelling; Dealing in Stolen Property; Grand Theft Auto.

Shalima Powell of 11080 Cherry Drive, Bonita Springs, charged with Grand Theft greater at $100,000; Dealing in Stolen Property.

Devin Thomas  of 11080 Cherry Drive, Bonita Springs, charged with Grand Theft Greater than $100,000.

Maria Tasho of 3300 Bermuda Isle Circle, Naples, charged with Dealing in Stolen Property.

Joshua Persad  of 1262 11th St. North, Naples, charged with Dealing in Stolen Property.

The five made a first appearance in court Sunday for their bond assessments.


Man accused of shoplifting adult pleasure device March 30, 2015

The buzz in Vero Beach on March 16 was at Spencer’s in the Indian River Mall.

oscar_gil_mugA store manager told an Indian River County Sheriff’s deputy that a male and female walked in the store’s adult toy section where the female selected a vibrator.That’s where an 18-year-old man stands accused of absconding with a vibrator after a female friend picked up the pleasuring device and proclaimed, “I want this,” an affidavit states.

After she expressed her desire to possess the $12.99 erotic device, the male plucked it from its packaging and pocketed it.

They proceeded past all points of sale without paying.

The store manager evidently got bad vibes from the male, identified as Oscar Gil, of Fort Pierce, and stopped him.

A deputy asked to speak with Gil. He said he swiped the sex toy, the make and model of which were not included in the affidavit, after his female friend told him she wanted it.

“Gil told me there was no reason he took it and that he was just ‘stupid,’” the affidavit states.

Gil was arrested on a misdemeanor shoplifting/retail theft charge.


Would-be bank robber was drunk, arrived by cab, and couldn’t pay the cab fare March 26, 2015

B9316747001Z.1_20150326134136_000_GPAAB300M.1-0Stanley Geddie arrived by taxicab and was drunk during an attempted heist of a Tallahassee bank Wednesday afternoon, police say.

The 46-year-old was arrested on charges of robbery, petty theft and resisting an officer after demanding $100,000 from a bank manager at the Capital City Bank on Capital Circle Northwest.

Geddie told the manager he had a .357 handgun, was carrying C4 plastic explosives and “would blow this place up,” court records show.

Police arrived at the bank to find the cab driver, who advised them Geddie was drunk and had not paid his $25.50 fare. The driver told police Geddie said, “I will take care of you when I come out.”

When police made contact with Geddie sitting in the manager’s office, he appeared “very intoxicated and spaced out,” according to court records.

Geddie did not follow officers’ commands and was tased during the incident. Court records say that when police told him he would be shot if he made any sudden movements, he said “well then kill me.” He was arrested without further incident. A search revealed Geddie did not have a firearm or explosives.

In an interview with police, the bank manager said Geddie indicated he also had the bank surrounded while continuing to demand the money.

Tellers alerted police to the robbery after the manager closed his office door with Geddie inside and they became concerned.

While being treated for Taser wounds at Tallahassee Memorial HealthCare, Geddie indicated he had on two pairs of pants so he could remove one after the robbery to appear not to be the suspect.

The cab driver told police he wanted to press charges for the unpaid fare, which resulted in the petty theft charge.


Naked man in Fort Pierce: ‘I’m famous now look at what I did’ March 24, 2015

A naked man stands accused of trashing a portion of North 15th Street before screaming, “I’m famous now look at what I did.”

Fort Pierce police at 3:07 a.m. March 11 went to North 15th Street and G Terrace after a report of a shirtless man jumping on a vehicle, according to records.

antuan_anderson_mugThe deputy reported when she pulled up, Anderson jumped on her patrol vehicle. He started banging on the front window and broke off a windshield wiper.Investigators encountered Antuan Anderson, 32, on the ground, naked and screaming. A St. Lucie County Sheriff’s deputy had him at gunpoint. Anderson started kicking and spitting and exclaimed, “I’m famous now look at what I did.”

The deputy said she got out and demanded he get on the ground. Anderson took off the remainder of his clothes and got on the ground.

Investigators found several mailboxes damaged and a stop sign and pole ripped from the ground. A drain grate cover was out of place; garbage cans and bags were strewn about; and a metal fence and fence posts were scattered around.

Officers later were told of additional damage, including a vandalized or damaged light fixture, fence and windshield wipers. Anderson also is accused of denting the roof of a car and ripping away a basketball hoop.

Two people reported “Anderson was running around the neighborhood naked vandalizing things.”

Anderson, of the 1500 block of G Terrace in Fort Pierce, was arrested on several criminal mischief related charges along with resist officer with violence and two outstanding warrants.


Man accused of drunken driving after dumping cup of liquid on officer’s shoes March 23, 2015

policeA 38-year-old Niceville man is accused of speeding and driving drunk after allegedly dumping a cup of liquid on an officer’s shoes.

A Niceville Police officer was patrolling on March 8 when he saw the man’s truck doing 51 mph in a 35 mph zone, according to the incident report. When the officer pulled the man over, the man said he knew he was speeding and guessed he was going “at least” 45 mph.

The officer smelled alcohol and vomit and noticed the man’s eyes were bloodshot, watery and glassy, the report said. When asked if he’d had anything to drink, the man admitted he’d had “a couple.”

The officer noticed a cup with liquid and asked what was in it, according to the report. The man initially said Redbull and ice, but when the officer asked a second time, the man allegedly dumped the liquid on the officer’s shoes.

When the officer asked why the man dumped the liquid out, the man replied, “You know what was in the cup,” the report said. The man refused to perform Standardized Field Sobriety Tests and refused to submit to a breath test.

He is charged with driving under the influence and speeding.



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