The Bizarre World of Florida

Are You Ballsy Enough To Enter A Testicle Beauty Contest? (NSFW) November 27, 2015

If you’ve ever thought your balls look so good they should be immortalized, Brian Sloan has a proposition for you.

5653201c2100004a005ab687The sex toy entrepreneur behind The World’s Most Beautiful Vagina contest wants to prove he doesn’t discriminate among the genders with his beautiful balls contest.

“People always ask me, ‘How about men? Are you going to have a penis contest next?’ And I’ve told them, ‘F*** no. I’m having a balls contest,” he says in a promo video announcing the competition.

People who are gung-ho about being hung-low can join him in “celebrating scrotal beauty and diversity” by uploading photos of their balls to <ballscontest.com.

“The penis receives most of the attention when it comes to male genitalia and I thought a contest about the penis would be too predictable,”. “The scrotum, in many cases, comprises the bulk of the volume of the male genitals yet it is rarely discussed. Beauty standards for it are unknown.”

So don’t even think about sending a dick pic, perv. This is a balls contest, so leave the shaft photos for your Tinder matches.

Sloan decided against accepting images of the whole frank-and-beans combo after compiling the data from his vagina photo contest in a document called The Vulva Paper.

The analysis showed that the vaginas of women in “doggy style” positions were generally ranked higher. He determined this was due to the sexual nature of those photos. He thought having a shaft in the image could create the same effect, according to Maxim.

As for judging, the public will get to score each scrotum from one to ten stars, but nobody really has set definitive scrotal standards.

“I think larger looks better than smaller and a fuller bag looks nicer than an empty bag, meaning not only should the scrotum be large, but its volume should be mostly filled by the testicles. Additionally, the bag should have a good degree of dangle. When it comes to wrinkles, I prefer a smoother look, and hair-wise, some hair is ok as long as it does not totally obscure the view,”.

He also suggested good photo composition and lighting can improve a person’s odds of winning.

The person judged to have the best balls gets a cash prize, and Sloan will meet that person to take a 3-D scan of the boys, which he then plans to turn into items like paperweights, doorstops and bookends.

The name of this competition, the Autoblow Beautiful Balls Contest, is a nod to Sloan’s sex toy company. Autoblow sells motorized blow job simulation toys for men.

For the World’s Most Beautiful Vagina Contest, Sloan was seeking a vagina from which to mold his company’s newest sex toy. However, for this particular contest, Sloan will limit the replicas to novelty items, as he doesn’t think there will be much of a demand, Maxim reports.

The top prize is $5,000, with $3,000 for second place and $2,000 for third place.

As of the time of posting this piece, the contest had about 150 entrants, though only 124 of them had the requisite 200 votes to appear on the leaderboard.

Voting continues until December 25, which is also Christmas Day, which gives you plenty of time to select your favorite set of jingle balls.


Man accused of shooting grandma’s car April 24, 2015

A man was arrested after he shot a hole in his grandmother’s car, police said.

imagesBoynton Beach police arrested James Frederick, 23, on Wednesday.

Police said Frederick and his mother got into an argument while she was sitting inside of his grandmother’s car. He told her to get out of the car and then let off five shots, according to the arrest report. One of the bullets hit the car near the right rear door.

His mother said she was not afraid nor did Frederick at anytime point the gun at her. The grandmother said she did not want charges filed.

Frederick has been convicted of four felonies previously, according to records.

He was arrested Wednesday after officers caught him driving a stolen vehicle. After a brief chase, he was apprehended.

He is charged with discharging a firearm in public, possession of a firearm by a convicted felon and possession of ammunition by a convicted felon. Additionally, he faces charges of grand theft auto, driving without a license and resisting arrest.

He is being held at the Palm Beach County Jail in lieu of $3,000 bail.


Sheriff’s deputy arrested for DUI April 23, 2015


An Orange County sheriff’s deputy was arrested on charges of driving under the influence, according to authorities.

Florida Highway Patrol said Deputy Gregory Popp was arrested early Sunday morning on State Road 528 near Dallas Boulevard driving home from a Jimmy Buffett concert in Tampa.

Troopers said Popp told them that he had been drinking since 10 a.m. at the concert, which was at 8 p.m. He told troopers that he was trying to get everyone home.

According to the report, Popp’s passenger had nothing to drink for several hours, and her blood-alcohol level was zero.

Popp has since been relieved of his law enforcement duties, credentials and firearms, pending an internal investigation.

Popp has been with the Orange County Sheriff’s Office since 2007 and was assigned to the Agricultural Marine Unit, the Sheriff’s Office said.

He was released from jail on Monday morning.


Crowd stopped drunken driver suspect from fleeing crash with beer truck April 22, 2015

A highly intoxicated Leesburg man backed his pickup truck into a beer truck and was stopped from leaving the scene by a bunch of onlookers, the Lake County Sheriff’s Office said.

553137649eb81.imageBradley Deneen, 48, was taken to the hospital for observation because jail personnel became concerned when a breath test showed him having nearly four times the legal level of alcohol in his system, an arrest affidavit states.

A sheriff’s deputy said he responded to a report of a drunk driver in the area of Picciola Road and Park Holland Road at about 4:45 p.m. Thursday. He arrived on the scene to see Denee’s truck stopped in the northbound lane of Picciola Road with several people standing around it.

The people said they saw Deneen back into a beer truck at a nearby convenience store and try to drive away.

“They observed the defendant was highly intoxicated … and therefore managed to get the defendant to stop his truck a short distance from the crash (approximately one block away), then notified law enforcement,” the affidavit states.

A passenger in the truck said the people prevented Deneen from driving away by standing in front of his truck until law enforcement arrived. Inside the truck, the deputy said he found a bottle of vodka.

Deneen was charged with DUI after he refused to perform field sobriety tests, but he did agree to take a breath test at the Lake County Jail, the affidavit states. His first reading was a .316, or nearly four times the legal limit.

Deneen failed to complete two subsequent tests and was taken to Florida Hospital Waterman because the jail staff was concerned about the amount of alcohol in his system, the affidavit states. After being cleared by the medical staff, Deneen was booked into the Lake County Jail.


Man wanted an enema, got jail instead April 16, 2015

A 35-year-old man was arrested after police say he refused to leave a hospital where he was denied an enema.

JOSEPH_WILLIAMSPolice about 10:05 p.m. went to the hospital after a report of a person who wouldn’t leave the emergency room.Fort Pierce police dumped the man, Joseph Williams, in the St. Lucie County jail following the April 5 incident at Lawnwood Regional Medical Center & Heart Institute in Fort Pierce, according to records.

Police found Williams lying on the ground outside.

“His nurse explained that he came into the ER requesting an enema,” an affidavit states.

In general, an enema is the introduction of a liquid, such as water, into the rectum to facilitate the evacuation of stool. Typically, enemas are used in treating cases of significant constipation.

An abundance of famous quotes involving the word enema could not be found, though in Tim Burton’s 1989 “Batman” movie, the Joker character as played by Jack Nicholson said, “Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in where a man dressed up as a bat gets all of my press? This town needs an enema.”

Enema features prominently in the name of the 1999 Blink-182 album, “Enema of the State,” though there is no song of the same name on the album.

Meanwhile, doctors evaluated Williams and discharged him, determining he didn’t need an enema. He was told to leave but refused.

Police arrested Williams, of Fort Pierce, on outstanding warrants related to failing to appear in court.


Homeless man finds forgotten bank account

John Helinski was once homeless, sleeping on a cardboard box by a bus stop.
“I just managed on my own,” said John Helinski.
John Helinski_1429163696883_16851649_ver1.0_640_480For three years in downtown Tampa, he said he was invisible.
“Sleeping underneath the benches there and no one would see me,” Helinski said.
Now Helinski’s got a locker, a bed and a dedicated case worker at a new 24/7, one-stop-shop housing center for homeless in Hillsborough County off 50th Street.
But wait, his story gets way better than that — way, way better.
“He needed to have an identification, but we couldn’t get an identification without a birth certificate,” said DACCO Case Manager Charles Inman. “There was no other option to succeed. You know, the thought of putting a 62-year-old man back on the street wasn’t acceptable.”
Inman wasn’t going to give up and Tampa Police Officer Dan McDonald isn’t the quitting kind either.
“I enjoy it because I like a challenge,” said Officer McDonald.
They got Helinski, who was born in Poland but is an American citizen, a driver’s license, a Social Security card and his name back.
“We first had to figure out that we needed a consular record of foreign birth or something like that,” said Officer McDonald.
But wait, it gets even better.
At a Tampa bank branch, Helinski discovered an old, forgotten bank account.
“At that time, it was Landmark Bank. Then it became Bank of America,” he said.
The bank account has money in it. His Social Security benefits had been piling up for years, enough for Helinski to buy permanent housing.
“I guess I’m exhilarated, excited, you know,” he said.
“I think we were both stunned. We weren’t quite sure what to say,” said Officer McDonald.
How much better could it get?

Woman can’t get pot out of her vagina April 13, 2015

What to do when you can’t get all the marijuana out of your private parts?

King_Reisha_mugA detective stopped the Ford after spotting it travel from the far left lane of Interstate 95 to the Southwest Becker Road off ramp without a blinker, an affidavit states. The vehicle also turned “at the last possible moment.”That’s what may have crossed the mind of a 27-year-old woman after a Port St. Lucie police detective on April 1 pulled over a Ford Focus driven by the woman’s boyfriend.

The driver, John Chapman, 28, said he lacked a valid license. Police smelled pot, and Chapman handed over a bag of marijuana.

John_ChapmanChapman also said a pot pipe was in the center console; “roaches” were in his tackle box; and marijuana bags were in his girlfriend, 27-year-old Reisha King.

“King also stated she believes she still has one baggie still in her ‘vagina’ which she was unable to remove,” the affidavit states.A female detective came to the scene, and King plucked three bags of ganja from her vagina.

A methodology for possible pot extraction was not listed.

King and Chapman, both of Kentucky, were arrested each on a misdemeanor possession of marijuana charge, while Chapman also was arrested on a possession of drug paraphernalia charge.



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