The Bizarre World of Florida

Drunken man raised balloons and havoc at car dealership November 5, 2014

Filed under: Alcohol,Bizzarre,Controversy,Drunk,Florida Nut,Scary,Stupid,WTF? — floridaduh @ 2:16 pm

A man accused of running around a car dealership with balloons after downing a bottle of booze and possibly chasing people with a machete was arrested, according to statements in a recently released arrest affidavit.
BALLOONThe deputy spotted a Kia Sorrento with a damaged fender in the parking lot. The doors were open and an empty bottle of Seagram’s gin was on the floorboard.The case against James Touchstone, 48, began about 5:45 p.m. Oct. 25 as a St. Lucie County Sheriff’s deputy went to the listed address of a Kia dealership on South U.S. 1 to help with an impaired driver, the affidavit states.

Touchstone, who smelled of booze, was in custody outside another deputy’s vehicle “yelling profanities and attempting to flee,” the affidavit states.

Touchstone yelled that he’d imbibed “a bottle of alcohol but has been off crack for three years,” the affidavit states.

Meanwhile, witnesses said Touchstone pulled in the parking lot and started cursing and throwing things at customers and staff members.

“He then ran across the street to (another) dealership, grabbed some balloons, returned and started to run around the parking lot with the balloons in hand while yelling at anyone he came in contact with,” the affidavit states.

After Touchstone, listed as a “violent felony offender of special concern,” was put in the back of a patrol car, he kicked out the rear passenger window.

A passenger in Touchstone’s vehicle told investigators that Touchstone hit a light pole in a parking lot in the area of Avenue M and North 13th Street. That person also said Touchstone got a machete and chased people at a gas station.

Touchstone, of Wilton Manors, was arrested on charges including criminal mischief, DUI, driving while license suspended habitual offender and resist officer without violence.


Driver found passed out in a running car at gas station October 28, 2014

Filed under: Alcohol,Bad Luck,Controversy,Dangerous Nut,Drunk,DUI,Dumb,WTF? — floridaduh @ 2:54 pm

Ocala police arrested a man they found passed out in a running car at a gas station early Friday. The man’s blood alcohol level was determined to more than three times the legal limit, according to the Ocala Police Department.

sfl-flduh-passed-out-running-car-20141027-001Authorities arrived at the Kangaroo gas station at 909 NE 28th St., Ocala, in response to a call about a suspicious vehicle, according to OPD spokeswoman Sgt. Angy Scroble. Officers found Gary Lee Hays, 51, passed out inside the running vehicle. They made several attempts to wake him. Hays finally responded and told them he had not had anything to drink. He later said he had three drinks.

Hays failed a field sobriety test. Blood alcohol tests registered levels of .237 and .246.

The legal limit in Florida at which someone is presumed to be intoxicated is .08.

Hays was arrested at 4:53 a.m. and was taken to the Marion County Jail. He was charged with DUI and his bond was set at $1,000.


Do strippers have a leg up on us when it comes to field sobriety tests? October 27, 2014

Filed under: Alcohol,Amazing,Bizzarre,Controversy,Drunk,DUI,Funny,WTF? — floridaduh @ 2:17 pm

Despite saying she was a “stripper” and had not taken painkillers in more than 114 years, a Palm Bay woman could not avoid a trip to jail, according to a recently released arrest affidavit.

sfl-flduh-stripper-dui-20141023-001Another deputy stopped the vehicle, which Woodberry was driving. She smelled of booze. When asked for her registration, Woodberry handed over the vehicle title four times.The case against Devin Woodberry, 34, began around 2:40 a.m. Oct. 5 on Okeechobee Road in Fort Pierce when a vehicle nearly struck a St. Lucie County Sheriff’s deputy while the deputy was on a traffic stop.

A deputy spotted a prescription bottle of the painkiller hydrocodone in Woodberry’s purse. She said she took the medication three days earlier, later saying she used it on that day “a million hours ago.”

“A million hours” is about 41,666 days, which is about 114 years, which would mean Woodberry used the hydrocodone in about 1900, which is about 79 years before she was born.

Meanwhile, Woodberry said she drank two Bahama momma wine coolers.

Woodberry agreed to perform field sobriety exercises, one of which is known as the “one-legged stand.”

She was able to maintain the position for about 15 seconds, “and boasted the task was easy, self proclaiming, ‘I’m a stripper,’” the affidavit states.

Some might find validity in Woodberry’s apparent logic that strippers — scantily clad or nude women who perform erotic dances involving bending and contorting — should be able to do the one-legged stand with ease.

But according to the affidavit, Woodberry didn’t keep one of her legs straight. She also used her arms for balance.

Investigators found two empty liquor bottles under the passenger seat of Woodberry’s vehicle.

Woodberry, of Palm Bay, was arrested on a DUI charge, and taken to the St. Lucie County jail.

Breath tests measured Woodberry’s blood alcohol content at 0.194 and 0.193 — more than twice the legal limit of 0.08.


Drunken 500-pound man couldn’t fit into patrol car October 22, 2014

Filed under: Alcohol,Amazing,Bizzarre,Controversy,Drunk,Florida Nut,Funny,WTF? — floridaduh @ 1:14 pm

A 911 dispatcher calmly gathered details from the Deltona woman who claimed she was just attacked by her 500-pound boyfriend — a belligerent man deputies later said was simply too big to fit into a patrol car.

os-howard-hendrix-20141021“He is drunk and he is just acting crazy,” the woman said before the dispatcher asked for a description of Howard Hendrix’s clothing.

“Right now, he’s not wearing anything,” the woman said Sunday from house she rents on Jutland Street on Sunday.

“He’s nude?” the dispatcher asked.


Hendrix, 45, of Apopka was in the bathroom, freshly showered and naked, when a deputy arrived.

He agreed to the officer’s request to put his clothes on.

But then Hendrix began throwing his weight around — again, a report says.

Deputies cuffed him but Hendrix resisted, refusing to walk out the house and falling to the ground, forcing a deputy to drag him out of the house. He also kicked a deputy, a report says.

“Hendrix was to large to put in a patrol vehicle,” a deputy wrote in a report.

A prisoner transport van was called in and used to take Hendrix to the Volusia County Branch Jail in Daytona Beach, said Gary Davidson, a spokesman for the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

Hendrix is accused of attacking the 42-year-old woman, including poking her in the chest, slapping her in the face and shoulder and spitting in her face.

He also punched a hole in a wall and destroyed a chair, she said in her 911 call.

Hendrix was charged with simple battery (dating violence), criminal mischief, battery on a law enforcement officer, and resisting arrest without violence.


DUI suspect can’t take a hint, gets into car anyway October 17, 2014

Filed under: Alcohol,Drunk,Dumb,Florida Nut,OK Then .....,Really Dumb,Stupid,WTF? — floridaduh @ 1:12 pm

Police say a drunken Gainesville woman did not get the hint on Wednesday night from an officer who told her she was in no condition to drive.

sfl-flduh-drunk-drove-warned-20141016-001Instead of heeding the suggestion from the Gainesville police officer, she piled into her car and was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving, according to a Gainesville Police Department report.

A concerned citizen at the TGI Friday’s at 3598 SW Archer Road called GPD sometime before 3 a.m. to report a woman, later identified as Kelley Cunningham, who appeared too drunk to drive. An officer arrived and found the 51-year-old Cunningham struggling to stand outside of her car. Her eyes were bloodshot, and she had the smell of alcohol on her breath, an officer wrote in the report.

The officer told Cunningham she could not drive and should find another way home, and that he would park his patrol car near her vehicle to make sure she did not take off anyway.

Moments later, Cunningham — while staring at the patrol car — got in her own vehicle and tried to drive away, the report stated.

The officer performed a traffic stop and later found “multiple” open containers of vodka inside Cunningham’s car. She allegedly told officers she also consumed two drinks at the restaurant.

Cunningham failed the field sobriety tests performed by the officer, and she refused to provide a breath sample, according to the report. A subsequent investigation revealed her license already had been revoked from a DUI in 2010.

The officer also reported that he asked Cunningham if she was too drunk to drive.

“She stated, ‘Of course,’” the report stated.


Potty mouth? Man attacked neighbor who allowed him to use toilet October 15, 2014

A man who let his locked-out neighbor use his bathroom was repaid by being threatened and attacked with a crowbar, according to a sheriff’s report.

sfl-flduh-neighbor-use-toilet-20141014-001Norman Newkirk was badly in need of a bathroom about 7 p.m. Friday, but found he had locked himself out of his Jungle Road apartment. The 50-year-old went to his neighbor who agreed to let Newkirk use his bathroom.

It is not clear what sparked what came next. Neighbor Howard Williams told Volusia County sheriff’s investigators that shortly after he allowed Newkirk to use the toilet, he heard Newkirk yelling from the bathroom that he would “smear (expletive)” all over Williams, the report states.

Newkirk came out into the living room, got into Williams’ face and punched him in the nose, deputies said. Newkirk then grabbed a crowbar and threatened to hit Williams. As Williams, 59, tried to grab a wooden club to defend himself, Newkirk struck him in the back with the crowbar, deputies said.

Williams, who could not be reached Monday, then hit Newkirk in the head several times with the wooden club, a report states.

A drunken Newkirk said he was upset that he had locked himself out of his apartment, the report said.

Along with the 12 stitches Newkirk needed to have his head patched, he was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and battery.

After being cleared from Bert Fish Medical Center, Newkirk was carted off to the Volusia County Branch Jail sporting a bandage on his head. He was being held Monday on $5,500 bail.


Have you ever been locked outside while naked?

Don’t you hate it when you lock yourself out of your apartment when you’re drunk?

And naked.

And the police show up.

sfl-flduh-looked-outside-naked-20141014-001Fort Pierce police about 7:25 a.m. Sept. 13 went to Carlton Court and Seaway Drive for a disturbance in which “a naked female was running around the area yelling and screaming, and this had been going on for an hour,” the affidavit states.That appears to be what happened to Carrie Starling, 27, in Fort Pierce, according to a recently released arrest affidavit.

Residents pointed to an address in the 1100 block of Carlton Court, saying a naked lady was nearby breaking things and yelling.

Investigators encountered Starling in her birthday suit, apparently intoxicated.

Starling’s speech was slurred and she said she’d been drinking.

She said she locked herself out of her apartment, and police found “smashed pots where she had caused a disturbance.”

After finding that Starling’s apartment was locked, police took her to the St. Lucie County jail where she was locked up on a disorderly intoxication charge.



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